


Remember, Remember

by sebastenstan



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Other, pain and drama, stereotypical sad bucky, the usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-10
Updated: 2014-05-10
Packaged: 2018-01-24 06:31:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1595072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebastenstan/pseuds/sebastenstan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's trying to put pieces and fragments together to form a picture, but it's damn hard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> A bit short, but my first writing attempt in a very long time. Really cheesy, but whatever.

The Winter Soldier raises his right arm, his left fist clenched so tightly that, if he possessed skin, his fingernails would have dug into his palms and draw blood. As it is, he can’t even feel what he was doing; it is just a reflex, a reflex he must have developed from a past life.

He knocks three times.

A familiar face opens the door, blonde and strong and like a poster boy. That face splits into a grin - no, not a grin. A  jubilant smile, filling the man’s face up with happiness and joy. It is the type of smile the Winter Soldier has never seen, save for when Alexander Pierce first laid eyes on him (but that was a decidedly different type of joy).

“Mr. Rogers,” the Winter Soldier says before the man can embrace him, voice raspy with disuse. The face droops as he realizes that the Winter Soldier isn’t whoever he had known, isn’t Bucky. ( _Who the hell is Bucky?_ )

The man - “Call me Steve,” he says in a sad and old voice, but the Winter Soldier just calls him Rogers - invites the Winter Soldier in, the smile gone. He tells him to sit down, and so the Winter Soldier sits. Rogers pours him a full glass of milk and sets it down, something in his eyes, and the Winter Soldier can tell he is remembering, remembering something from a past life. Maybe whoever Bucky had been liked milk.

The Winter Soldier thinks he likes Rogers’ milk better than Alexander Pierce’s.

He leaves with two addresses, and walks out the door without looking back, but he can feel Rogers’ eyes boring into him as he leaves, collecting tears that never spill out.

***

The first address leads to an old woman, once beautiful but now faded and frail and thin. Her eyes sparkle, but her hands shake and her voice wavers.

“Sergeant Barnes…? Steve will be so excited…”

The Winter Soldier plays along, not because he feels sorry, but because it might help him remember, might help him get a sense of who is is, what he is. The old woman reminisces, and he learns about the Howling Commandos and how Bucky ( _who the hell is Bucky?_ ) and Steve fought Nazis and Hydra (she mentions Dr. Zola and the Winter Soldier recalls a short man with a strange voice praising his design, his strength - “The Winter Soldier is a fitting name, no?”). She turns away for a moment and her bright brown eyes cloud over and when she turns back, they light up again with recognition.

“Sergeant Barnes…? You must tell Steve you’re alive…”

The Winter Soldier plants a kiss on her wrinkled forehead, and Peggy Carter grabs his hand, his left hand, his metal and hard and killing hand, and the Winter Soldier yanks back, and Carter gasps and murmurs something he can’t understand because he’s already leaving, leaving that old woman and her memories and everything she said about James Buchanan Barnes, Sergeant Barnes, Bucky Barnes ( _who the hell is Bucky?_ ).

***

The door opens before the Winter Soldier can knock, and another face he knows opens it. He is breathing heavily as if he has just run, a jug of orange juice in his hand. “Come on in,” he says, spreading his arms wide. “You want some orange juice?”

The Winter Soldier mutters a “no” and walks past Sam Wilson, making sure not to touch anything except the chair he sits down on. Wilson shrugs and sits down opposite him, clearly at ease despite sitting across an assassin. An ex-assassin. He must sense the question in the Winter Soldier’s eyes, because he says, “If you wanted to kill me, you wouldn’t have been ready to knock on that door. So, I figured, why not be hospitable?”

Wilson does most of the talking, and the Winter Soldier is grateful he does not talk about Bucky ( _who the hell is Bucky?_ ). Wilson talks about Afghanistan, and the Winter Soldier remembers rocks and dirt and at one point a glimpse of red hair and scared eyes but then Wilson changes the subject suddenly, and the Winter Soldier has a feeling Wilson could tell the Winter Soldier was uncomfortable.

He begins to talk about his job, about helping people heal, and while he doesn’t say it outright, the Winter Soldier can tell he wants to help him. “A while ago, I said you were the kind you stop, not the kind you save.” Wilson looks at the Winter Soldier evenly over his orange juice. “I think I might be wrong.”

The Winter Soldier leaves with a number scrawled on a piece of paper.

***

“You’re not going to find me with a Google search, Mr. Barnes.”

The woman’s voice, low and raspy and a little bit sensual, startles the Winter Soldier.

He speaks slowly. “Not many people can sneak up on me.”

The red haired figure laughs easily and slides into the chair beside him, a book clutched in her hands. “I’ve always loved libraries. They smell wonderful. And you might want to try searching something less obvious than ‘Black Widow’, because that is going to pull up a lot of spider pictures.” There is a sly half-smile on her face, and her eyes are sparkling with mischief.

Silence. Then,

“How did you find me?”

She laughs again, running her finger down the spine of her book, tracing the letters with her fingertips. _Archery for Dummies._

“I’m a master assassin, Mr. Barnes.” She tilts her head like a snake. “That means I’m also a master stalker.”

Against his will, the Winter Soldier can feel a smile - _what the hell is a smile?_ \- creeping across his face, and a slow, soft laugh escapes his lips.

Romanoff’s hair falls in front of her face, and Bu - the Winter Soldier feels some tingling of recognition as he stares into her eyes.

“Who are you?”

She looks back up and gives that sly smile again. “Why, Mr. Barnes, isn’t that what you were trying to find out?”

The Winter Soldier glances back at his computer, and when he glances back up, she is gone.

***

Bucky Barnes raises his right arm, his left fist clenched so tightly that, if he possessed skin, his fingernails would have dug into his palms and draw blood. He can almost pretend he does, this time.

He knocks three times.

A familiar face opens the door, blonde and strong. It is wearier and warier this time, emotions hidden under a careful mask, but Bucky can see that he is searching for a sign of recognition.

“Steve,” Bucky croaks.

The smile returns, and this time the tears pool in Bucky’s eyes.


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angst, some team stuff. I don't know.

The Avengers Tower is cold and empty and foreboding, but he forces himself to keep walking, one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. He can feel the eyes of the others on him, raking over his metal arm and his unkempt hair and his tired eyes.

Steve is just the opposite, walking with a bounce in his step and a twinkle in his eye. He is at ease here, comfortable and happy. He leads Bucky up and introduces him, saying nothing about the Winter Soldier but only the good things, joking about Bucky saving him in alleyways and scoring him dates with women a good six inches taller than him.

The others introduce themselves. “Clint Barton” ~~(a brooding sort of man with wary eyes, a possible threat)~~ , “Bruce Banner” ~~(quiet, the type who seems to polish his glasses quite often - not a threat)~~ , “THOR ODINSON!” ~~(a big puppy dog with a giant hammer - threat)~~ , “Agent Romanoff; I’m glad you remember, Mr. Barnes” ~~(unreadable - perhaps the greatest threat of all)~~ , “Tony Stark; you knew my dad” ~~(threat, but many flaws to take advantage of)~~.

The air chills even more as Stark mentions his father and there is a hint of malice in Stark’s eyes. Bucky remembers Howard and his mustache and wit and way with women and maybe something else that he can’t quite put his finger on, but he doesn’t have time to think before Steve is showing him around like a whirlwind, showing him all of Stark’s robots even though Bucky knows better than anyone about the “wonders” of modern technology.

There is a television in Bucky’s room, and after ten minutes of tinkering and the help of a disembodied voice he learns is called JARVIS, he turns it on.

_“The aftereffects of the collapse of SHIELD are still rocking the nation, and with Alexander Pierce’s cronies still at large -”_

His breathing becomes shallow and rapid, he can feel something in his eyes and his vision begins to blur - with rage or tears he cannot tell - and he begins to smash buttons on the remote, as if he is punching Alexander Pierce’s soft old wrinkled flesh, and he’s pummeling it over and _over_ and _over_ and _over_ -

“Sir, I can sense your blood pressure is rising. May I suggest you take a break from beating the remote? You are causing the volume of the television to fluctuate.”

The cool voice jerks him back to reality, and he quickly turns the TV off, wrapping his arms around his chest, feeling the cool metal on his skin. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs, over and over and over - “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, _I’m sorry”_ -

* * *

It takes a long time for Fury to trust him.

“He almost killed me,” he says indignantly whenever Steve asks why Bucky isn’t an official Avenger yet. Steve gets frustrated and explains that it wasn’t Bucky ~~(who the hell is Bucky? who the hell is Bucky? who the hell…?)~~ who did those things, it was Alexander Pierce.

“Yeah,” Fury says, fiddling with his sunglasses, “another _friend_ who betrayed my sorry ass.”

Steve sighs and quits, but only for a week or so, because then he’s at it again, pestering Fury despite Bucky’s quiet protests.

It is only when Bucky takes a bullet for Barton that Fury begins to trust him.

There had been a handful of rogue Hydra members that Fury wanted dead, so he assigned Barton and Steve to take care of them (“Don’t let your star-spangled ass get all sympathetic now, you hear? I only assigned you because Romanoff is with Stark and Banner in Sweden,” Fury had said), and Steve quietly brought along Bucky without telling Fury about it. “Compartmentalization,” was Steve’s response when Barton asked why he was bringing “Snowman Number Two” with them.

It was a hit in the leg. Nothing compared to what he had gone through before, but Fury begins to trust him. Or, rather, he begins let Bucky be included with the Avengers - trust isn’t exactly included in Fury’s agenda anymore.

* * *

It takes longer for Stark to trust him. He always called Bucky _Mr. Barnes_ or _Robocop_ or _Replicant_ and Bucky never understands why Stark dislikes him until Loki comes along.

It is three months since Bucky moved into Stark Tower, and it is his first encounter with Loki. (“He is my brother, Sergeant Barnes, and he may be unstable. His imagined slights have completely overtaken his mind, and there is little reason left in his brain… Yet he is still my brother, and I do not want him seriously harmed,” Thor says, a sad look in his otherworldly blue eyes. “But be warned, he will be able to read you like a book, and pry out your darkest secrets.” Bucky thinks it a little dramatic, even for the Asgardian.)  

Bucky is sent to keep an eye on the Frost Giant, who is locked in the room where Bruce goes whenever he gets upset. He is wearing some sort of Asgardian bracelet that saps his magic, and he looks thin and gaunt and decidedly different from his big and blonde brother. Loki is a snake, a viper that is ready to strike at any moment.

Minutes pass. Bucky hears voices upstairs, arguing about what to do. “I do not wish him to be harmed,” Thor says, voice carrying the loudest. Bucky cannot make out what the others are saying.

Loki begins to chuckle, slow and quiet and deep and terrifying. Bucky doesn’t respond, but his skin begins to crawl.

Minutes pass. Then,

“You know, big brother told me all about you.” His voice is low and drawling. “Well, I might have just overheard him. As you may have noticed, he is quite loud.”

_Don’t respond._

“How you were captured by that… Hydra, is it?” Loki speaks slowly, savoring every word and loving the sound of his own voice. “Tsk, tsk, it was very rude of them to brainwash you.”

~~Who the hell is Bucky?~~

The W - Bucky’s throat tightens.

Loki pushes ahead. “Do you know why Stark distrusts you?”

Bucky can’t help it - he looks at Loki. _How did he_ -

The god seems to read his thoughts. “Oh, come on,” he laughs. “Even someone as thick as your patriotic little friend can notice that he has an innate disliking of you. Do you ever wonder what happened to his father, the one that you knew?”

_A woman screams -_

Bucky clenches his jaw. “Shut up,” he mutters, voice low and dangerous.

Loki smiles devilishly - not the mischievous way Romanoff smiles, but the smile that smells of deceit and treachery. “Oh, it is a simply marvelous story.”

_There is a car, it’s red and two people are in it -_

Bucky pinches himself.

Loki is inches away from the glass now, eyes alight and excited at this new game he is playing - “Don’t you remember, Bucky?”

~~Who the hell is Bucky?~~

_There is a car, it’s red and two people are in it. Howard Stark, his intended target; his wife, a necessary casualty. He doesn’t know her name; it isn’t necessary._

“SHUT UP!” Bucky yells, not only at Loki, but at the Winter Soldier, at Alexander Pierce, at Dr. Zola, at the world -

_Stark is grinning, but the smile dies as he spies the lone figure on the lonely road, metal arm glinting in the sunlight. He tries to brake the car, but the Winter Soldier has already laid his trap, the same on he has used time and time again - flip the car with an explosive, clean up the mess -_

Someone is laughing, high and cruel and cold.

_He can hear the woman scream as the car flips over and he can hear the glass shatter and then come the sobs, the aching, heaving sobs of a dying woman which are soon silenced as he kicks her head_ \- someone is screaming, maybe it’s him, maybe it’s the man - _and he looks into the eyes of Stark, and there is a flicker of recognition. There is a bubble of blood at the corner of Stark’s mouth, and he dies with a look of horror and shock on his face_ \- “Barnes? Hey, Robocop - Oh, Jesus - ah, fuck - someone get Steve in here” - _and the Winter Soldier rolls the car to the side of the road, hearing the crunch of bones as the Starks’ heads are crushed and ribs shattered and skin maimed and the Winter Soldier wonders why Stark recognized him, but then he is taken away_ \- a deep, thundering voice is shouting at someone, shouting so loudly - _and then the pain comes again, and the cold, and he doesn’t remember Stark anymore, he doesn’t remember anything, he’s just a tool, a soldier, the Winter Soldier_ \- and suddenly Bucky is reeling backwards, screaming, hitting the wall and making a dent and sliding towards the floor, screaming, screaming _“I’M SORRY”_ over and _over_ and _over_ and then suddenly strong arms are there, and he thinks it’s going to be Steve but it’s Tony and Bucky can’t stop crying, because he killed them, he killed Tony’s parents, his friends, his _friends_ , _his friends_ -

No one talks about that incident, but Thor makes sure to give Bucky a good deal of Pop Tarts, and Bruce begins to experiment with tea making, and Natasha and Clint begin to spar with Bucky more, and Steve sometimes tries to talk about the “good ole days”, and Tony begins to called him Bucky or Buckaroo and adds over one hundred songs from the 1940s onto his iPod.

Some days, Bucky can even pretend the Winter Soldier never existed.


End file.
